Monday 5 September 2016

"Good Traditional Values" that the Empowered Woman Must Shake Off.

Today's topic is coming straight from the heart so please forgive me if this entry is a little bit disjointed. The last few weeks have been quite full on and it all came to a head last week which resulted in my body finally giving up and becoming overrun with the flu! 

The blogging world can be a glossy place sometimes, with our photos edited to perfection and exciting updates of holidays and nights out at plush restaurants, so allow me to keep it real with y'all for just a second.
Over the weekend,  I received a distressing phone call from someone,  which left me feeling upset and very disempowered. This led me to think about some of the reasons why even as an adult with an empowerment blog, I am still overly sensitive,  concerned about others' opinions of me and often times super hard on myself,  particularly when I feel I have screwed up, in any area of my life.

After much thought, and long conversation with my fiancĂ©, I figured that the main reason for these feelings of disempowerment is down to childhood conditioning. Many of the "good traditional values", or well meaning lessons that our parents instilled in us whether we like it or not has affected the way we reason and behave as adults. Oftentimes for the good, sometimes not so good. 

I come from a good ol' Ghanaian, Christian background where there is a lot of emphasis on  "God first"  and "respect for others". But there is also a lot of "mask wearing", and tiptoeing around others so not to appear less than squeaky clean. 
Although my upbringing has helped me to become a highly spiritual, respectful and hardworking member of society, they have also in some ways been to my detriment, So I have compiled a list of five "good traditional values"  that I believe have contributed to the way I act now, and have been my setback as a woman, and that I feel should be shaken off if I am going to progress in life. Whilst I am writing this for you, I am also writing this for myself.  In the words of one of my favourite gospel songs "as I minister to you, I minister to myself".  So let's learn together. 

1. What people think about your life choices is a reflection of whether they are wrong or right.

2. Answering back to someone older is disrespectful. Never do it. (This has been a major one, that has even hindered me from standing up to my superiors at work!)

3. Taking a break / rest = laziness

4. Good Christian (*insert alternative label here*) girls don't make mistakes. If you do, then said mistake should be followed by excessive regret and apologising to those who may or may not be affected.

5. Crying is silly. It's a sign of weakness and you must not let anyone EVER see you cry.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but these are the main beliefs I feel I subconsciously hold, although I find it hard to admit it.  
If you have read to the end, I would like to thank you.  I would also like to encourage you by saying that you are most probably doing better than you think. If you do feel you have screwed up in life lately, then do what you can to fix it, leave the rest to God, forget about it and move on!

Can you add any more to my list. What "good traditional values"  are you trying to shake off?"

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17 comments

  1. I feel your heart Madeline and can totally understand where you are coming from. Can I add this one " don't confront someone if you're not happy with how they are treating you". Yes, let's protect the abuser, we can't offend the abuser. If you need to talk and pray, my door is always available. Patience prosper

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    1. Thank you Patience. I think this one about protect the abuser is your number one bug bear. I have heard you mention this one a few times. But it's so true! I have never understood why people can speak/do to you as they wish but the onus is always on you to keep the peace. I have always found it easy to speak to you...I'll be there very soon!

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  2. I feel your heart Madeline and can totally understand where you are coming from. Can I add this one " don't confront someone if you're not happy with how they are treating you". Yes, let's protect the abuser, we can't offend the abuser. If you need to talk and pray, my door is always available. Patience prosper

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  3. Great post! #1, #2, and #4 ring so true for Nigerian girls as well.

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    1. Hi Chic Therapy. Many thanks for passing through. Isn't it just frustrating?

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  4. Very good post Madeline. I spent most of my life making decisions on people's opinion including my own parents and sometimes made me feel unfulfilled.
    When I had my first daughter my eyes opened and everything changed!! I started caring less about what people thought of me and noticed how happier I was getting lol. I'm still struggling with point #2 though.
    Thanks for sharing your deep sentiments

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  5. Very good post Madeline. I spent most of my life making decisions on people's opinion including my own parents and sometimes made me feel unfulfilled.
    When I had my first daughter my eyes opened and everything changed!! I started caring less about what people thought of me and noticed how happier I was getting lol. I'm still struggling with point #2 though.
    Thanks for sharing your deep sentiments

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    1. Thank you for reading Evelyn. It's really hard to turn from that pattern of thinking when you have been trained to be a people pleaser. It worked as a child, but as an adult with my own dreams, my own mind and my own way of leading my life it's simply impossible!

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  6. This is deep.I. Bottled a lot of things in my childhood because of #1&2 and ended up disliking my perpetrators intensely which didn't help.

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    1. Thanks for reading Georgina. The way we have been brought up, although seemingly good on the surface can e detrimental to our emotional and mental wellbeing. I hope this post begins the process of therapy for women who may read this.

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  7. This is deep.I. Bottled a lot of things in my childhood because of #1&2 and ended up disliking my perpetrators intensely which didn't help.

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  8. Great post! As a South African, myself I've also been taught not to stand up to elders. But I've been questioning it lately and well, I don't think it should come at the expense of our self-esteem and other values.

    XoXo Noma

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    1. Hi Noma. Lovely to read your comment on SoulJourner's Story. I have been questioning it as well because are older people always right, just because, they are well...older? Also shouldn't everyone be respected, regardless of age?

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  9. Such an inspiring read, it is always reassuring to know that there are others out there that feel the same emotions as you. Nice one...xxx

    http://www.sunlightdreamer.com/2016/09/from-corner-of-his-eyes.html

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    1. Hi Ifunanya, thank you so much for passing through! I am glad you can identify with this post (although I am not happy that you might have gone through some of these emotions!) Have a nice weekend.

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  10. Omg ! Omg! i am in awe of this post. I come from the same ''good christian'' girl background, (Nigerian) and i can not tell you how everything you have listed here has shaped my adult life both in a good and in a bad way. Sometimes i just want to smack some sense into some thirty,forty and fifty year olds who act like they can do/SAY whatever they like to you without thinking before they act,but i can't because it will be disrespectful forgetting that respect is reciprocal. That said i have devised a way of leaving those traditional values out of those situations where they are not required and sometimes distance myself from the people involved be it family members ,friends or co-workers. These traditional values are endless and like you said they either make or mar us as we live in a modern world that is fast revolving. Great post !!


    www.stylenbeautylounge.com

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    1. Hi Uzo. Thank you so much for passing through girl. I too have had some older people treat me so unfairly. And the funny thing is that all hell would break loose if they were to experience the same treatment! It's funny, I have been thinking of the same thing since writing this post - some distance wouldn't go amiss. I need to! Anyway I wish you all the best as you navigate through life. Xx

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